Final Fantasy X version 2
by ntrophi
Summary: Feature length spoof. Updated 28/6. Tidus finally meets the woman of his dreams. She wears black, is sarcastic, and he can see her underwear. (Major character bashing)
1. Zanarkand, swords and fangirls

**Author note: Well, this has taken a heck of a lot of time to be written up, and it still doesn't seem like enough. I just felt I had to post something up as an incentive for myself to keep on writing! Don't worry; the next part will be up as soon as I write it. I'm playing the game through again now, so I should have some decent ideas for fun. *grin***

I don't own 'em, though Auron can come be my slave if he wants. In fact, I don't own anything in this fic, apart from myself.

Translations for Al Bhed are #like this# I was contemplating not putting the translations in, but then I realised some people might not appreciate that. *grin*

Well, enjoy! Cookies for reviewers, the job of translating all the Al Bhed I need for this fic to those who don't.

(We pan up to see a barren plain; a wasteland full of wanton destruction and – )

TIDUS

 Good start! (thumbs up)

( - Uhh. Yeah. We continue to move across the plain, aware of millions of small multi-coloured dots - PYREFLIES – floating across the scene. We centre in on a small campfire in the middle of the wasteland, surrounded by seven people. Well, I say people, but I dunno if two of them actually count as people. . . Still. There are seven. One of them, a severely bouncy blonde male, gets up and pats one of his companions – a pretty looking young girl – on the shoulder. He begins to make his way up a small outcrop, gazing out at the devastation)

TIDUS

Hey. You can see my house from here!

(The others roll their eyes)

LULU

Get on with it.

(TIDUS nods eagerly, and turns back to gaze wearily at his surroundings. He's putting all his effort into this; it strains him to stop smiling for even a second)

TIDUS

(V.O.) Listen to my story. This. . . May be our last chance.

WAKKA

(under breath to RIKKU) Uh. This means he's gonna be talking for a while, ya?

RIKKU

(nods) About twenty hours, depending how fast we play.

WAKKA

(eyes widen) Wake me up when we get near the end!

(The screen goes black and suddenly we find ourselves in a totally different place; a city full of technology and huge, gushing waterfalls that fill up the sky. We settle on a crowd of people, most of whom are holding BLITZBALLS. It's obvious they're waiting for something, or someone. Soon, that someone arrives. He strides up to the nearest group of people – naturally the two scantily clad GIRLS. We begin to get the impression that our hero likes girls. He likes them a lot)

TIDUS

(smoothly) Well, hey there, pretty ladies. Are you gonna cheer for me tonight?

GIRL #1

(shrieking) YEAH!!!

GIRL #2

(also shrieking) OF COURSE!!!

TIDUS

(blinks at them for a moment, shaking the ringing out of his ears) Hey, if I score tonight, I'll uh. . . Do this!

(He pulls a fantastically complicated finishing move; one that would require both incredible LUCK and STUPIDITY for someone to try it again)

TIDUS

That'll mean it was for you, ok?

(The GIRLS go wild. TIDUS knows he's got himself a date for next week. Well, if he can get past their scary screaming)

GIRL #1

OH YEAH!!! (giggles)

TIDUS

Where are you guys sat?

GIRL #1

(screams go hyper-supersonic) EAST BLOCK IN THE FRONT ROW!!

GIRL #2

(also hyper-supersonic) FIFTH FROM THE RIGHT!!

(TIDUS can't hear them anymore; they bust up his eardrums long ago, so he nods mildly)

TIDUS

Alright.

(He shoots them a broad grin and sets off to the next group; three young boys all holding BLITZBALLS. They too are screaming, but in a less girly way. We get the idea that all BLITZBALL fans cannot help but SCREAM at every opportunity)

BOY #1

(holds up ball for TIDUS) Will you sign this?

TIDUS

Sure.

BOY #2

Me too!

TIDUS

Alrighty!

BOY #3

And me!

TIDUS

Nah. I'm all signed out.

BOY #3

. . .Oh. (starts to cry)

TIDUS

Woah! I uh. . . Sorry. I'll uh. . . Give you my shoe.

BOY #3

(perks up) Alright!

(TIDUS turns to leave, but the group of boys continue to pester him)

BOY #2

Hey, before you go.

EVERYONE WITHIN SCREAMING DISTANCE

TEACH US HOW TO BLITZ!

(TIDUS is temporarily shell-shocked by the noise, but recovers and frowns)

TIDUS

Well. . . Not now. I have a game.

BOY #1

After?

TIDUS

Uhh. . .

(We suddenly notice there is a HOODED BOY stood just to the side, watching TIDUS intently)

HOODED BOY

You can't tonight.

TIDUS

I can't?

HOODED BOY

Nope.

TIDUS

Why?

HOODED BOY

(blows out an exasperated breath) You just can't alright?

TIDUS

Ok. Tomorrow then.

HOODED BOY

Good luck (cackles and disappears)

TIDUS

(to the crowd) Well, I'm off to win the game now! Cheer for me.

(He manages to escape the mob with his life. Barely. We begin to worry for his safety for the rest of the game. We then get to watch TIDUS run across a really big road and head for the biggest stadium you ever saw. He is mobbed again, but he doesn't seem to really care)

TIDUS

You love me! You really love me! Woah! Get off! I have to go play!

(He gets into the STADIUM. And then the fun begins)

GENERIC VETERAN FF FAN

What the hell?! Rock music?!

(All the GENERIC VETERAN FF FANS start to think that Uematsu-san has gone completely loopy by adding a thrash metal track to the soundtrack. But, hey. It fits. Tidus finds himself inside the STADIUM and suddenly a bigass ball of water appears! Fans go wild, TIDUS stands there looking like a dope)

TIDUS

Wow. It's always so pretty. . .

(We cut to outside, where the stadium roof is unfurling. It's a beautiful night; the moonlight perfectly illuminating the graceful arcs of water that spot the landscape. We move further back and further and further. . . Until we see a small BUG stood on a BRANCH. A MONKEY suddenly appears and eats the BUG, grinning at the camera. We feel confused)

AURON

(V.O. – sounding very nervous) What's with the monkey and the bug? Back to the story, please. (under breath) I hate heights. . .

(We zoom forwards and centre on a huge steel girder, outcropping from one of the enormous buildings. Upon this girder, a man is stood gingerly, trying not to fall off)

FEMALE FF FANS

(faint)

AURON

What? Not more of them! Go lust after Tidus or something. (almost loses his balance and curses FEMALE FF FANS everywhere for making him lose concentration)

(A gust of wind, helpfully sent by the AUTHOR, blows against him, making him teeter on one foot)

AURON

I hate you and I hate heights!

(Ah, you don't hate me)

AURON

Wanna bet?

(I'd rather not. Still, we move around AURON as he nervously eyes the ground below him, and suddenly we see a huge ball of WATER forming from the ocean around the city. AURON stares, bug-eyed at it)

AURON

I need a drink.

(He opens up the jug of sake at his waist, and holds it up ready to drink. But, the ball of water – using its mastery of gravity – pulls the sake out of the jug and drinks it itself. We move away, back to the stadium, but above all the screams of delight, we can hear. . .)

AURON

(V.O. – faintly) Ah, damnit!

(We're now watching a BLITZBALL game in all its glory; GENERIC VETERAN FF FANS will notice that the later BLITZBALL scenes look nothing like this. TIDUS – being the humanitarian we all know and love – pushes an OPPOSING PLAYER out of the sphere, sending him crashing to the stands)

OPPOSING PLAYER

I regret nothiiiiiiii--iiing!

(Thud)

TIDUS

(giggles evilly) I told you not to call me Palm Tree Head!

(We cut back to outside where AURON – looking shaky after getting down from the girder – is walking along. Unbeknownst to him, he's being followed by a horde of FANGIRLS)

AURON

(nervous) Get them away!

(As he walks a little faster, we see the bigass ball of water – SIN – start to tear stuff up)

SIN

This is fun! Whee!

(Back to the BLITZBALL. The Abes score. And for being their star player, TIDUS has nothing to do with it. Annoyed, he leaps out of the sphere and proceeds to defy gravity)

SIN

Pitiful humans and your stupid little water sport. Which I love. (sniffs) Damnit! I can't play anymore! Time to die!

(SIN proceeds to shoot the crap out of the STADIUM and anything within destroying distance. TIDUS falls a few hundred feet, much to the delight of the AUTHOR. She's soon scowling again as she realises he survives)

TIDUS

(picking himself up off the floor) Anyone get the number of that truck? (falls over again)

(He finally manages to pick himself up and staggers over to where AURON – who has managed to lose the train of FANGIRLS following him – is stood, looking cool)

TIDUS

Auron? What're you doing here? Why aren't you panicking like everyone else? (grabs AURON by his coat and shakes him) WHAT'S GOING ON!?

AURON

(prises TIDUS off him) How'd the game go?

TIDUS

(stares)

AURON

What? Oh, the destruction. Heh. (looks nervous) Well, time to go. C'mon.

(They start to move off when a sudden cry pierces the air)

FANGIRL #1

There he is!

AURON

Ah, crap. Uhh. . . Meet you by the bridge, kid. (runs like mad)

TIDUS

(watches as a flurry of FANGIRLS shoots past him, chasing the retreating AURON) Huh.

(The AUTHOR accidentally hits the pause button and the entire world freezes, leaving only TIDUS to look around dumbly)

TIDUS

(blinks, perplexed) This is the last time I steal Auron's sake before a game

HOODED BOY

(appears suddenly behind TIDUS, frightening the bejeezus out of him) It begins.

TIDUS

(stares at him)

HOODED BOY

Don't cry.

TIDUS

(ignores that nugget of information and begins to bawl) But I dunno what's going ooooon!

(Time speeds up again, and TIDUS spies AURON; who is now stood over a fangirl CORPSE)

AURON

(hyperventilating) Damned woman wouldn't let go!

SIN

Uh, hello? Act of nature going on here.

TIDUS

(spies SIN) What the hell is that?

SIN

I'm glad you asked! (grabs an insanely huge top hat and cane and begins to sing)

_Well, well, well, what have we here?_

_ Tidus, huh? Ooooh, I'm really scared!_

_So you're the one everybody's talking about._

_You're joking, you're joking! I can't believe my eyes!_

_ You're joking me, you gotta be; this can't be the right guy._

_He's stupid, he's pretty; I don't know which is worse._

_I might just split a seam now if I don't die laughing first_

_Mr Sinny-Winny says there's trouble close at hand._

_You'd better pay attention now, cause I'm the Sinny-man._

_And if you're aren't shaking, there's something very wrong_

_Cause__ this may be the last time, you hear the Sinny song_

AURON

(also singing)

_Uh-wooo-ohhhh. . ._

SIN

_Wuh-ohhhh. . ._

AURON

_Wuh-ohhh. . ._

BOTH

_It's the Sinny-Winny man._

TIDUS

(eyeing them uneasily) You're both crazy.

SIN

No-one calls _me crazy! Die!_

(A big uhh. . . THING appears from a building, shooting hundreds of SINSCALES towards the two. AURON stands there, watching calmly as TIDUS proceeds to make an IDIOT out of himself. This will happen many times during the course of the game)

TIDUS

(screaming) BUGS! AAAAAAH! GET THEM AWAY! (tries to shoo them away, but falls over)

AURON

(rolls his eye) No-one told me Jecht's son was an idiot. . . (reaches into his robes and produces a SWORD from NOWHERE) Here. Take it.

TIDUS

(still shooing the SINSCALES) You gonna help or are you gonna stand there? Oh, a sword. Pretty. . .

AURON

A gift from Jecht.

TIDUS

(eyes narrow) That old jerk?

AURON

The very same.

TIDUS

Figures (swings at a SINSCALE, misses and falls on his butt again)

AURON

(drops head into one hand) Great. I'm never gonna get back to Spira.

TIDUS

Where?

AURON

(looks worried) Uhh. . . Nothing. Let's just kill these things and get out, huh?

(They proceed through the horde of SINSCALES, AURON having to stop every three seconds in order to pick up TIDUS. They come over a rise and come face to tentacle with SINSPAWN AMMES)

TIDUS

(eyes bug) What the. . .?

AURON

Ooh. An excuse to use my Overdrive.

(AURON uses his OVERDRIVE, but not very well cause this is the first time we've played the game and we MESS UP the button combo)

PLAYER

Up, left, down, right, what? Shoulder buttons? Wah! (panics and messes up)

AMMES

Pff. If I could do anything but cast Demi, you'd be so dead.

(Unfortunately all it _can do is cast Demi, so it dies soon enough. AURON runs on; TIDUS finds a SAVE POINT)_

SAVE POINT

Kupo!

TIDUS

Eh?

SAVE POINT

Oh wait. This isn't IX. (mutters) Oh well. (makes that "bing" noise)

(TIDUS raises an eyebrow at it, but saves and moves on. AURON's still running, taking them right into a SINSCALE shower)

AURON

Oops.

TIDUS

(singing in a very disturbing falsetto) _It's raining Sinspawn; hallelujah!_

AURON

(whacks him across the back of the head) Just destroy that handily placed tanker thing.

(They do so. Building goes boom, SINSCALE die and our two heroes proceed to defy gravity again)

AURON

Oh, come on. If we didn't make this jump we wouldn't have much of a game, would we?

(Shut up. AURON makes it easily, but TIDUS misses the last jump and ends up clinging to the edge of a bridge)

TIDUS

Wah! (clinging helplessly) Auron! Get me down!

AURON

(grins at TIDUS, then up at the AUTHOR) Can I?

(No)

AURON

Aw. . . Fine. (grabs TIDUS by the scruff of the neck) Just hold still while I let Sin eat us.

TIDUS

(eyes bug) While you do WHAT!?

SIN

Mmm. . . Warrior munchies.

AURON

(to TIDUS) Hold still, wouldya?

TIDUS

(stuttering with fear) And let you let that, that, that _thing_ eat me?

AURON

Yeah

(TIDUS screams like a small child, causing both AURON and SIN to cover their ears – well, SIN would have, if it _had_ ears)

SIN

Gah. Time for dinner.

(AURON begins to get sucked up into SIN, looking like some bad post-modern artist has got hold of him)

AURON

(contemplative as he disappears) I hope I didn't leave the kettle on. . .

(AURON disappears and TIDUS finds himself being dragged upwards into the belly of SIN)

TIDUS

(screaming ever so bravely) I'm too young and pretty to diiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii--iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiie!

(The screen goes all weird, prompting those of us with troublesome TVs to think that the aerial is messing up again. We hear the voice of JECHT – yeah, _that_ JECHT – and then TIDUS starts to talk to himself; the sign of a perfectly mentally sane person)

TIDUS

(V.O.) I dreamed about a lot of things. Blitzball, food, blitzball, girls, blitzball, lunch, blitzball, what kind of gel I was going to use in my hair when I woke up, blitzba--

(He lets out a loud "Oof" as the AUTHOR elbows him in the stomach)

PHI

Get on with it

TIDUS

(slightly wheezy, V.O.) I think I had a dream; a dream of being alone. A dream of being without my beloved Mr Snuggles. . .

(Oddly, the screen cuts to show MR SNUGGLES – TIDUS' favourite cuddly toy – floating through time and space. TIDUS begins to cry)

TIDUS

Aw, Mr Snuggles! You're lost in the dark, and you're afraid of the dark just like meee. . .

(TIDUS then gets very quiet, whimpering every so often until he finally wakes up)

TIDUS

(sleepy) I dun wanna go to school today, mommy. . . 

(He finds himself lying half-in, half-out of a pool of water; darkness surrounding him. He does the brave thing, of course)

TIDUS

(cries) Where am IIIIIIIIIIIIIII?! Auuuron! Auron, if this is another practical joke, I swear I'm going to flush that damned sword of yours down the toilet!

(He receives no answer. The screen suddenly cuts to show AURON waking up; covered in sand)

AURON

(sneezes) They never think of my allergies (sneezes) But at least I'm away from those girls. . . (shudders and sneezes again)

FEMALE VOICE

(V.O.) I know that sneeze. . . It's him!

(There is an UNHOLY scream; like that of a thousand banshees. AURON's eye twitches as he pulls himself to his feet and spies what is approaching)

AURON

Oh, by the Aeons, not again!

(AURON makes a very quick exit, stage left. What seems like a stampede approaches; and soon the entire shot is filled with squealing FANGIRLS; all intent on GLOMPING the poor Guardian)

AURON

(V.O., faint) What did I do to deserve thiiiiiiis?

PHI

(cackles evilly, appearing from nowhere in a puff of smoke) That'll teach him to be the most difficult muse ever. (disappears again)

(We cut back to TIDUS, who is sat on a rock staring into space like an idiot and humming mildly to himself)

TIDUS

(quietly, singing) _Feelin' like a freak on a leash. . ._

PHI

(appears and stares at him for a good few minutes) Um. . . Tidus?

TIDUS

(oblivious)

TIDUS

(a little louder) Tidus!

TIDUS

(still oblivious)

PHI

(sighs loudly, and kicks TIDUS in the head) Oi!

TIDUS

(clutching his head) OW!

PHI

Boy, I've wanted to do _that_ for an awful long time. . . (grins) Now that I have your attention, can you get on with it please?

TIDUS

Alright! Just don't kick me again! (whimpers)

PHI

(grins evilly) Alright. (kicks him once more and disappears)

TIDUS

Argh!

(After a few minutes of whining and whimpering, TIDUS pulls himself to his feet and dives into the water; swimming towards what appears to be the RUINS of some sort of building in the distance. On the way, he finds numerous things, including an AL BHED DICTIONARY SPHERE. If it's our first time through, the player STARES at the sphere and shrugs before moving on. If it's our second time, however. . .)

SPHERE

Bing!

TIDUS

Yr-hyh! Ruf E lyr cbayg Ym Prat!

#Ah-hah! Now I can speak Al Bhed!#

(He looks around proudly, expecting some sort of prize for his achievement. There is nothing but silence. TIDUS scowls)

TIDUS

Last time _I_ try something worthwhile (kicks the language sphere and moves on)

PHI

(V.O.) Oui'na yh eteud. . .

#You're an idiot. . .#

(TIDUS ignores the AUTHOR and continues towards the RUINS. Finally, he reaches them, pulling himself out of the water and shaking himself like some sort of dog would. Water sprays everywhere; the sheer violence of it making the bridge TIDUS is stood on crumble and fall)

TIDUS

Wuh-oh. . .

(The bridge falls, but TIDUS manages to grab hold of the edge just in time, and dangles precariously above the water)

PHI

(appearing and frowning at TIDUS) You weren't supposed to do that. You were supposed to fall in.

TIDUS

(whiny) I've been falling in and out of things all day. . . Can't I have a break?

PHI

(thinks for a moment) No.

(The AUTHOR stomps on TIDUS's hands, making him squeal like a girl and fall into the water)

PHI

(cheerfully) Have a nice day! (mutters something about "Damned characters not playing fair. . . Drastic actions must be taken. . ." and disappears)

(TIDUS floats around in the water for a while, not paying attention to what's around him)

TIDUS

(humming pleasantly to himself and singing every so often) _. . .I'm gonna getcha, getcha, getcha, getcha. . . _

(Our hero doesn't realise he's being watched by two FISH)

FISH #1

Er. . . We're not fish.

FISH #2

Yeah, if you took a moment to actually pay attention, you'll see that we're Sahagin; scourges of the ocean.

(Both of them grin proudly)

PHI

(appears and sighs with exasperation) You live in the ocean, yes?

BOTH FISH

(in unison) Yup.

PHI

. . .You swim?

FISH #1

Well, sometimes I take a little jump out of the water, just to see what the weather's doing. . .

(The AUTHOR and the second FISH stare at the first one)

FISH #1

I mean, uh, yeah. (coughs nervously)

PHI

And you have gills?

FISH #2

(checks) Indeed we do.

PHI

Then you're fish. Deal with it.

FISH #1

Bu --

PHI

Don't argue with me. I'm the author, you're the cannon fodder fiends. You're lucky you even get a name.

(The AUTHOR smiles sweetly and disappears)

FISH #2

I told you we should have replaced our agent when we had the chance. . .

FISH #1

(shrugs) Eh, we can always strike if things get bad. 

PHI

(V.O., dangerously) Anytime today.

FISH #1

(hurriedly) Right. Uh. . . I bet I can get there and mangle it before it realises.

FISH #2

(eyeing TIDUS) I never said you couldn't. In fact, I'd be disappointed if it even realised it was being mangled. . .

(The two _ever-so-deadly -- )_

FISH #1

Are you being sarcastic?

PHI

. . . .

FISH #2

You'd better not be. 'Cause we _are deadly, y'know._

FISH #1

Yeah! Only the other day we made Geosgaeno cry!

PHI

Somehow I doubt that.

FISH #2

Have you seen Geosgaeno these days? Big wimp blubbers at anything. . .

(There is a loud wailing sound from off-screen)

TIDUS

(blinks) What the. . .? That wasn't me, was it?

GEOSGAENO

(whimpering) Oh, my stomach hurts so much. . . What did I do to deserve such -- Ooooow!

(The huge monster swims slowly towards TIDUS, fairly unaware of his presence. The two _ever-so-scary fish stay where they are, absorbed by the site of GEOSGAENO wailing like a small child. TIDUS finally realises that he's not alone in the pool when GEOSGAENO bumps into him)_

TIDUS

Hey!

GEOSGAENO

(clutches its belly in pain) Aaah! That didn't do any good. (turns its attention on TIDUS) Stupid small thing with your silly pointy stick!

TIDUS

(produces his sword from nowhere) You mean this?

GEOSGAENO

(recoils in horror) I knew it! You're here to kill me!

TIDUS

Uh, actually, I was kinda lost, and --

GEOSGAENO

(not listening) I won't let you kill me!

(Without even trying, TIDUS has managed to get himself into his first solo fight. The player notices that our hero does a PITIFUL amount of damage and that GEOSGAENO doesn't really do anything)

GEOSGAENO

(sniffling) Fighting only irritates my allergies. . .

(The fiend SNEEZES, sending TIDUS crashing through the nearest wall, and to relative safety)

TIDUS

(sat in a heap, looking most dazed) There goes that truck again. . . (falls backwards)

(After sitting about for a few minutes, regaining his senses, TIDUS is soon back on his way. It's not long before he finds himself in a large, seemingly empty and absolutely freezing cold room)

TIDUS

(V.O.) I had made it out of the frying pan, and into the freezer. . .

(Did you think of that yourself?)

TIDUS

(proud) Yup.

(This is why I don't let them ad lib their lines)

TIDUS

(icicles dangling from his nose) Is it just me, or is it a little chilly in here?

(He walks to the middle of the room, where a GLARINGLY OBVIOUS FIREPLACE awaits)

GLARINGLY OBVIOUS FIREPLACE

Hey, if you find a withered bouquet and a flint, you can start a fire here!

GENERIC VETERAN FF FANS

. . .It doesn't keep on being this simple, does it?

(Despite being told what to find, TIDUS still takes a good few hours to start his fire. Once it's going -- )

TIDUS

Where do I get the wood from?

(Eh?)

TIDUS

Well, I can't keep a fire going on just some withered flowers, can I? Surely I need woo --

(Er. . . Once it's going, he lies down beside it and does the heroic thing)

TIDUS

(whiny) I'm soooo hungry. . .

(For some reason known only to the original scriptwriters, this HUNGER triggers some sort of FLASHBACK. This causes several players to wonder whether being THIRSTY will trigger a nervous BREAKDOWN, or if being SLEEPY will make our hero spontaneously COMBUST)

######

TIDUS

(standing around, idly scratching his butt) What do _you want?_

AURON

I came to seduce your mom.

TIDUS

What?

AURON

I said, _your team could have won, but you made a bad call._

TIDUS

(raises an eyebrow) Y'know, your excuses for coming round are getting really lame. _That was what you came over to say?_

AURON

It's been. . . ten years. I thought you'd be crying.

TIDUS

(snorts) Me? Cry?

(AURON grins evilly and stamps on TIDUS' foot. The Blitzer promptly bursts into tears)

AURON

Yeah, you.

######

(TIDUS wakes up sharply, taking a good few moments to realise that his fire has nearly gone out)

TIDUS

(panicky) No! Don't go out on me! I'll give you (rummages in his pockets) twenty bucks, some gum and a button if you don't go out on me!

(The fire ignores him and goes out)

TIDUS

Aw. . . Damnit.

(He's not left to worry about that for long; within moments, another fiend – probably drawn by the smell of TIDUS' hair gel – appears. Again, without really doing anything, TIDUS is drawn into a fight)

TIDUS

(a little uneasy) Heh. Must just be my way with creatures.

(The fight does not go well, with TIDUS still doing stupidly small amounts of damage. Matters are not helped when a wall EXPLODES and a NEWCOMER appears. However, instead of doing the sensible thing and putting TIDUS out of his misery, the NEWCOMER joins him in the fight against Klikk and it doesn't take long for the fiend to die. After the fight, TIDUS turns to his new companion, and allows his jaw to drop as he sees that it's a GIRL)

TIDUS

(picking jaw up off the floor, speaking smoothly) Well, hello there, little lady. (gives his most charming smile)

(Unfortunately, before TIDUS can get his groove on, the GIRL's cohorts arrive. One of them grabs our hero roughly by the hair)

AL BHED #1

Fryd dra ramm es drec?

#What the hell is this?#

AL BHED #2

Y veaht! Eh risyh teckieca!

#A fiend! In human disguise!#

AL BHED #3

(dryly) Aedran dryd un druca Oajuhedac ryja mucd draen tnacc cahca ymdukagran. . . 

#Either that or those Yevonites have lost their dress sense altogether. . .#

AL BHED #2

(eagerly, holding a knife to the bewildered TIDUS' throat) Fa gemm ed?

#We kill it?#

GIRL

(shakes her head slowly, and takes the knife off AL BHED #2) Hu.

#No.#

AL BHED #2

(pleading) Yff. . . Bmayca?

#Aww. . . Please?#

PHI

Yeah, c'mon.

GIRL

(firmer this time) Hu!

#No!#

AL BHED #2

. . . . (wanders off in a sulk)

(The GIRL walks up to TIDUS with something of a sultry smile on her face. In TIDUS' mind, this can mean only one thing)

TIDUS

(puckers up) Alright, but no tongues. It's our first date.

GIRL

(rolls her eyes) Crid ib. . .

#Shut up. . .#

(She punches him none too delicately in the gut, causing his eyes to bulge out of his face)

PHI

(appears suddenly, a look of bloodlust on her face) You've got to hit him harder than that.

TIDUS

(shakes his head, but can't protest audibly) N --

GIRL

(shrugs) Oui'na dra pucc (punches him even harder)

#You're the boss#

TIDUS

(slightly squeaky and wheezy) Ouch. . .

(Finally, he takes the hint, and blacks out again)


	2. Subbosses, Lawyers and Blitzballs

**Author note: **Hurrah. Part two. Finally. I've just realised how long this is going to take me; insanely long fanfic project ahoy! If I'm a little slow on the updating sometimes, blame that silly little life thing that appears to be engulfing me at the moment. Don't worry; I'll beat it down with a stick soon enough. ^_^   
So, I still don't own them. After seeing the way I treat Tidus, that's probably a good thing.   
No Tidus' were harmed during the making of this chapter. Well. . . not harmed _much_.   
Enjoy! 

(We join our perplexed hero as he wakes up on a huge ship, surrounded by those pesky Al Bhed) 

TIDUS

Aw, damnit. Am I still here? 

AL BHED #2

(elbows TIDUS in the chest) Crid ib yhd ced tufh, syhko Oammu Veaht!

#Shut up and sit down, mangy Yellow Fiend!# 

AL BHED #1

(raises an eyebrow) Oammu Veaht?

#Yellow Fiend?# 

AL BHED #2

(shrugs) Lyh oui drehg uv yhodrehk paddan?

#Can you think of anything better?# 

TIDUS

(has slowly been growing more and more weirded out) Hey, uh, you guys? 

AL BHED #2

(punches TIDUS in the face) Cricr!

#Shush!# 

AL BHED #3

Ech'd dryd y meddma ujan dra dub?

#Isn't that a little over the top?#

AL BHED #2

(shrugs again) Zicd sygehk dra sucd uv so clnaah desa.

#Just making the most of my screen time# 

(The other two Al Bhed decide that this is a good idea and all three start to pound on TIDUS) 

TIDUS

(mangled) Aren't there, like, prisoner of war rules or something? 

PHI

(V.O.) This isn't a war 

(The beating is stopped suddenly when a hatch on the other side of the ship opens, and out steps the GIRL from before, along with her brother; the imaginatively named, uh. . . BROTHER) 

GIRL

(eyes narrow as she sees TIDUS whimpering on the floor) Fryd'c kuehk uh rana?

#What's going on here?# 

AL BHED

(innocently) Hudrehk. . .

#Nothing. . .#

BROTHER

Sekrd yc famm bid ed du fung yht ruba ed ech'd gemmat un cusadrehk. . .

#Might as well put it to work and hope it isn't killed or something. . .# 

TIDUS

(using a tactic tourists who don't speak the local language use all the time; speaking slowly and loudly) WHAT? 

BROTHER

Ehcumahla!

#Insolence!#

GIRL

(seeing that TIDUS is about to get his ass handed to him again) Look, just play dumb and make yourself useful. 

TIDUS

(managing the "playing dumb" part magnificently) Useful? Me? (pauses) Wait! You can understand me? 

GIRL

Only when I can bear listening to you whining long enough to make out what you're saying. 

TIDUS

(half to himself) Cute and able to understand me. . . The perfect woman! 

GIRL

(rolls her eyes and gestures to AL BHED #2)

AL BHED #2

(sharpening knife and glaring at TIDUS) 

TIDUS

(sweatdrops and nods) A-alright, I'll work. (under breath) Sheesh; I didn't realise everyone outside Zanarkand were complete psychopaths. . . 

GIRL

(nods brightly) Alrighty then! (pushes him to the side of the ship) 

TIDUS

Uhh. . . What exactly are we doing?

GIRL

(shifty) . . .Swimming. Searching for some ruins. Definitely not running into some fiends. 

TIDUS

(oblivious to her shifty nature) Cool! Anything has to be better than staying here and being abused. 

GIRL

Oh yeah, before I forget (leans close to him) 

TIDUS

(grins cheekily, thinking to himself)_ Man, this chick can't get enough of me! _(out loud, puckering up) Well, alright, but just for luck. 

GIRL

(rolls her eyes again) Not that, stupid. Just listen. 

(We now sit through the most boring tutorial since, well. . . ever. First time players will sit and stare at the sphere grid in awe, wondering how in heck they're ever going to understand it) 

FIRST TIME PLAYERS

So um. . . instead of levelling up, I have to spend a good twenty hours of my play time thinking about a bunch of spheres? So, like, how do I get stronger and stuff? (panic) 

(Second time players will be hammering the X button madly, trying to skip through everything) 

SECOND TIME PLAYERS

(bored) I've _seen_ this already! I don't _care_! 

(Unfortunately, you can't skip. Somewhere in Japan, Sakaguchi-san is laughing evilly. Finally, the GIRL finishes) 

TIDUS

(snoring)

GIRL

(slaps him)

TIDUS

(wakes up suddenly) It wasn't me, officer! . . .Oh. Heh. Right. Are we going ye --

(He gets no further as the AUTHOR appears in mid-air and kicks them both into the water) 

PHI

Eesh. You want something doing, you might as well do it yourself. (disappears) 

(TIDUS and the GIRL swim down into the murky depths of the oceans, reaching the RUINS in little time) 

TIDUS

(blows bubbles of awe, before realising that blowing out his precious air supply isn't the best of ideas) Gah! 

(For some odd reason, they aren't attacked and reach what appears to be a power core of some sort for the ruins. But little do they know that they're being followed! Dramatic music crashes around them, startling the two youngsters) 

TIDUS

(looking around for the source of the music, before mouthing) What the heck? 

GIRL

(shrugs, mouths back) It happens; you get used to it. 

(On goes the power, with little trouble, illuminating the previously darkened ruins. GENERIC VETERAN FF FANS are getting bored) 

GENERIC VETERAN FF FANS

Come on! Make something happen! 

(As if by magic, the GOD OF PLOT DEVICES intervenes, and TROS; a slightly lost looking octopus appears behind the two) 

TROS

(speaking with a fairly posh English accent) Oh, thank goodness. I was beginning to think that there was nothing to be found in this ghastly place. I'm a little lost, you see; I'm trying to find the -- 

(The fiend doesn't get much further as TIDUS lets out a muffled, water-logged scream and pulls his sword from nowhere. See, our hero doesn't understand Sub-Boss Octopus language and to him, the quaint tones of TROS sound like a fiend looking for an innocent young Blitzer to eat) 

TROS

(perplexed, swiping out a tentacle in gesture of friendship) Well now, old boy, I think we've got off on the wrong foot here. . . 

(Too late; TIDUS takes the gesture of friendship as an attack and swings wildly with his sword. The blade catches TROS on the tentacle, and causes the fiend to shriek with anger) 

TROS

(stuttering with a rage that is only held back by its reserved nature) W-well now! That was uncalled for! 

TIDUS

(attacking wildly with his eyes closed) 

GIRL

(unsure whether to laugh at TIDUS or to join him in the fight) 

TROS

(swims to the other side of the room, trying to get away from the creepy little human) Well, I shall have no more to do with you, my friend! (swims off angrily) 

(TIDUS, with his eyes closed, does not notice his foe disappearing, and so continues to swipe at thin um. . . water for a good few minutes until the GIRL taps him on the shoulder) 

GIRL

(mouthing) You uh. . . killed it. 

TIDUS

(pauses then mouths) I did? 

(An expression of sheer glee comes over his face, and he begins to celebrate; doing a little victory dance in the middle of the water) 

TIDUS

(mouthing) I am the _man_! That's it, Mr Fiend! You _die_ now, all cause I'm the man! 

(The GIRL has already swum off, and again, TIDUS does not notice until a while has passed. He sweatdrops and begins to head to the surface. Once there, he just misses the crowd of Al Bhed disappearing into the main hold of the ship) 

BROTHER

(sighs) Oui'na cyoehk ed'c yh yencreb?

#You're saying it's an airship?# 

GIRL

Oib.

#Yup#

BROTHER

Hud yh yhleahd cduna uv creho drehkc?

#Not an ancient store of shiny things?#

GIRL

Hu. Zicd yh yencreb.

#No. Just an airship#

BROTHER

. . .Tyt'c kuhhy gemm sa. . .

#. . .Dad's gonna kill me. . .#

(TIDUS is left outside, alone, but he's perfectly able to make his own entertainment) 

TIDUS

(singing merrily) _Ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall, ninety nine bottles of beeeeeer --_

(About an hour later. . .) 

TIDUS

(still singing merrily)_ Ninety eight bottles of beer on the wall, ninety eight bottles of beeeeer --_

(He does not notice that the GIRL has been stood watching him for a good few minutes, holding a plate of food and raising an eyebrow at him. Without a word - but also without allowing the eyebrow to lower - she dumps the food in front of him) 

TIDUS

(singing)_ Ninety nine --_

PHI

(V.O.) He's been moving between ninety eight and ninety nine for an hour now. I knew he'd get lost. 

TIDUS

(spies the food) FOOD! (begins to wolf it down)

GIRL

(eyebrow raises even higher)

TIDUS

(suddenly, begins to choke) H-he --

PHI

(appearing suddenly, and looking a little worried) Uh. Is he going blue? Does anyone know the Heimlich?

EVERYONE

(shakes head)

(A trip to the hospital later. . .) 

GIRL

You idiot. It's cause you eat like a pig. . .

TIDUS

(still looking a little unwell and sporting a "I'm a good boy!" sticker he obtained while in the emergency room) Yeah, well, if you guys didn't starve me! (scowls) 

(There is a dark silence between the two for a moment until PHI appears and elbows the GIRL) 

GIRL

(sighs) I suppose I'd better get the introductions out of the way. I think the author's getting tired of calling me "girl". 

BROTHER

(sticks his head into the shot, hopeful) Tuac dryd sayh E kad y naym hysa duu?

#Does that mean I get a real name too?#

PHI

No.

BROTHER

(sadly, moving away again) Yff. . .

#Aww. . .#

GIRL

Aaaaaanywaay. . . I'm Rikku.

(The AUTHOR breathes a sigh of relief) 

RIKKU

(hurriedly, as if she really doesn't care) So who are ya, where ya from, do ya hate the Al Bhed, blah di blah blah. . . 

TIDUS

My name's --

(He is cut off suddenly as someone looking remarkably like a HIGH PRICED LAWYER appears and waves a piece of paper in TIDUS' face) 

HIGH PRICED LAWYER

Oh no you don't.

PHI

(appearing) Gah. I thought we'd sorted that all out! I _paid_, didn't I? I'm _sticking_ to that damned restraining order, aren't I? 

HIGH PRICED LAWYER

I'll deal with you later, missy. But, at the moment, I am here to ensure that blonde boy here doesn't breach his contract.

TIDUS

I have a contract?

PHI

(hums nervously)

HIGH PRICED LAWYER

(coughs loudly and begins to read from the piece of paper) Section 7, article 14, part 3b, clause i: The character in question (hereafter referred to as Party A), being that he is the main character, will not allow anyone to utter his name during the course of the game. Should Party A be found in breach of this clause, he will have all his hair shorn off and will be forced to work in a low budget survival horror game until the public gets tired of him and he is killed off in a horrific, yet slightly amusing manner. 

TIDUS

(blinks) . . . Er. . . What? 

HIGH PRICED LAWYER

(sighs) You're not allowed to tell anyone what your name is. 

TIDUS

(still looks clueless) Eh?

HIGH PRICED LAWYER

(decides that his work here is done) Just don't breach the contract. (disappears)

PHI

And make me a sandwich! (disappears too)

TIDUS

(stands there and blinks for a good few minutes) Er. What were we doing again?

RIKKU

(glares at the sky)

PHI

(V.O.) Dealing with idiots is character building. Just get on with it.

GENERIC VETERAN FF PLAYERS

(reaching for the power button)

RIKKU

Alright, already. (mock sweetly) So, where you from?

TIDUS

Me?

RIKKU

(death glare) No, the blonde stranger behind you.

TIDUS

(looks)

RIKKU

(hits forehead with one hand) Of _course_ you!

TIDUS

(beams) Cool! (thinking) _Man, this chick really digs me. I'm so going to score tonight! _(smoothly) Well, I'm a playah, bay-bee. I've been here and there, always looking for the right place to settle down. . .

(TIDUS fails to mention that he actually spent the last EIGHTEEN years living AT HOME with his MOTHER) 

TIDUS

But I'm originally from Zanarkand. (slyly) You like Blitzball players? Cause I'm the best there is, sweet thing. 

RIKKU

(unimpressed) 

(TIDUS launches into a reverie that lasts some time. Thankfully, we are spared and by the time we cut back to the pair, RIKKU looks about ready to MAIM the Blitzer) 

RIKKU

. . .Great. Why is it that every guy we find in the wilderness happens to be completely insane? 

TIDUS

What do you mean? 

RIKKU

There is no Zanarkand, stupid. It was destroyed a thousand years ago. 

TIDUS

(silent)

RIKKU

So you're either lying, stupid, or some convoluted nonsense involving Sin's toxin has happened. 

(I'll give you THREE GUESSES as to which is the explanation given. You'll only need ONE) 

RIKKU

But you play Blitzball. Which makes a lot of sense. 

TIDUS

Why?

RIKKU

All Blitzers are idiots. 

(Any FANS of WAKKA, TIDUS, JECHT, BROTHER, or ANYONE that plays Blitzball puts RIKKU on their LIST of characters to DESTROY in fanfics) 

TIDUS

. . . Oh.

RIKKU

But that's ok. We'll just take you to Luca, where we can let you roam free with all the other little idiot Blitzers. . . 

TIDUS

(looking more and more perplexed) Luca? 

RIKKU

Oh, and you probably shouldn't say you're from Zanarkand. No, wait. (develops shifty eyes and giggles evilly) If you ever see these guys called Yevonites, you tell them you're from Zanarkand. They'll be ever so happy to hear that -- 

PHI

(V.O.) Now, now, Rikku. You don't need to get him killed like that. 

RIKKU

(gestures to where TIDUS is stood, scratching is butt with one hand and poking himself in the eye with the other; his tongue stuck out in concentration) 

PHI

(V.O.) Oh. Heh. Maybe it would be kinder. . . 

HIGH PRICED LAWYER

(also V.O.) Oh no you don't.

RIKKU

(pouts)

THE GOD OF PLOT DEVICES

(drops Sin into the ocean beside the boat) Oops.

RANDOM AL BHED

SIN!

(The AL BHED run around like small, headless fowl of some kind. TIDUS, on the other hand, stands there like an idiot) 

TIDUS

. . .Ooooooh. . .

SIN

Hey! It's the spiky one from before! You gave me indigestion!

(SIN whales on the ship. Somehow, only TIDUS ends up in the water) 

RIKKU

Man overb -- Ah, what the heck. It's easier this way. 

(The AL BHED sail away before TIDUS can get back to them) 

TIDUS

Aww. . . (blacks out) 

(Sadly, TIDUS wakes up eventually, finding himself in a place quite the opposite of what he's seen so far. Hot sunshine beats down on him from above; the ocean is warm and blue, and best of all, there's a Blitzball screaming towards him) 

TIDUS

Hn?

(Smack) 

TIDUS

(should be dazed, but has been hit in the face by Blitzballs enough times to not feel it) Wow! Blitzball! 

(Instead of y'know, trying to figure out if he's in any danger floating in that water, TIDUS takes the ball and SMASHES it towards the beach) 

RANDOM AUROCH

(spies the ball) Heads up!!

(Most of the players scatter, but one. . .) 

WAKKA

Huh? (looks up)

(Thud) 

TIDUS

(sweatdrops) Uh. . . oops?

(Our hero swims towards the beach, reaching it just as WAKKA is pulled to his feet by the sniggering AUROCHS) 

RANDOM AUROCH

I _did_ say "Heads up", coach. . . 

WAKKA

(sounding a little. . . dazed) Is' a'right, brudda. . . Who fired dat shot anyway?

TIDUS

(doesn't even imagine that these guys could be anything but friendly) Sorry, that was me. 

WAKKA

(glare) If there wasn't three of ya, y'all would be so dead right now, ya? 

TIDUS

(V.O. - very cheerfully) Well, everyone still wanted to hurt me, but I'd found some fellow Blitzers. Things were starting to look up! 

(A few minutes later, once WAKKA has recovered. . .) 

WAKKA

So den, who you play for? 

TIDUS

(suspicious) Are you a Yevonite?

WAKKA

Pretty much.

TIDUS

(beams) Cool! I play for the Zanarkand Abes! 

WAKKA 

(stares) 

TIDUS 

(nervous) Or um. . . something convoluted about Sin's toxin? 

WAKKA 

(eyes bug) And you're still alive? Praise be to Yevon! 

PHI 

(V.O. - muttering) Yeah, "praise" be. . . 

WAKKA 

Name's Wakka, and I'm captain of the Besaid Aurochs, brudda! 

TIDUS 

(slightly sarcastic) Sounds like a great team. . . 

WAKKA 

Yeah, even better now that you're going to be playing for us for the rest of the game. 

(Somewhere, far away, the ZANARKAND ABES are thanking their LUCKY STARS) 

TIDUS 

(muttering) What in heck is an Auroch anyway? 

WAKKA 

(slaps TIDUS on the back) What? You hungry? C'mon, back to the village! 

(TIDUS opens his mouth to say that he just ate, but realises that he is hungry after all. This is the LAST time in the ENTIRE game he'll decide that EATING is a GOOD THING. But at least he acknowledges that food is NECESSARY; most of the other characters manage an entire SIXTY HOURS worth of gameplay without so much as a SANDWICH) 

TIDUS 

Alright! 

(He follows WAKKA into the chirpy looking forest and they both come to a halt on the top of a CLIFF overlooking a river) 

TIDUS 

Ooh. Pretty. (leans over to get a better look) 

PHI 

(appears suddenly and snaps her fingers before giggling evilly and disappearing again) 

WAKKA 

(zombie-esque) Must. . . push. . . palm tree head. . . brudda. . . 

(WAKKA kicks TIDUS in the BUTT, sending the blonde Blitzer headfirst into the river before diving in himself. TIDUS splutters and gasps for air) 

TIDUS 

Hey! 

WAKKA 

(still zombie-esque) Must. . . kill. . . 

(WAKKA now attempts to DROWN TIDUS. However, what he and the AUTHOR seem to have forgotten is that TIDUS has that ANNOYING skill of holding his breath FOREVER or not having to breathe or something weird like that) 

PHI 

(V.O.) Damnit! 

WAKKA 

(normal, turning his throttling action into a bear hug) Join my team! 

TIDUS 

(gasping for air) I already said I would! 

WAKKA 

(ignoring) There's a huge tournament coming up, ya? Every player in Spira's gonna be dere, brudda. You're bound to find your old team, man! 

TIDUS 

I know that! I already agreed with you! 

WAKKA 

(gleefully) Duuuude, our team is gonna rock, ya? 

(They continue to swim along, finally reaching dry land. WAKKA leads TIDUS to the top of another CLIFF, this time overlooking a village. Remembering last time, TIDUS remains a good TWELVE FEET away from the edge of the precipice) 

PHI 

(V.O. - muttering) Rats. . . 

WAKKA 

This is where I was born -- 

TIDUS 

(wrinkles his nose) What, right in that spot? Eww. . . 

WAKKA 

No, fool. In that village. I started Blitzing when I was five. 

(We cut to a sudden flashback of a five year old WAKKA, still with the stupid haircut, being thrown into the water by his father) 

WAKKA'S DAD 

And stay there! (throws a Blitzball in for good measure) 

BABY WAKKA 

Eh, man. He'll be back, ya? (starts to play with the ball) 

(Night falls, and still BABY WAKKA is playing) 

BABY WAKKA 

. . . Nuts, ya? 

(Back to normal WAKKA) 

WAKKA 

I joined the Aurochs when I was thirteen, ten years ago. . . Ten years, and we never came close to winning a game. 

(TIDUS, who has been quiet up to this point, turns and gasps suddenly; clutching his heart) 

TIDUS 

L-l-loosers! (falls over) 

(Another trip to the emergency room later. . .) 

WAKKA 

Well, we just ain't that good, ya? But I'm sure you're gonna make our team win! 

GOD OF PLOT DEVICES 

(reading its to-do list) Introduce love interest, make a few more convoluted assumptions about this world, fully annoy the players, make sure that the addition of Tidus to the Aurochs makes them the winningest team this side of Detroit. 

WAKKA 

But the fans were starting to get a little angry, so I quit. Time seemed right, ya? 

TIDUS 

(snorts) Ya think? 

WAKKA 

I got me a few new jobs; worked in a butcher's, joined the Crusaders. . . Even tried being a warrior monk for a while. None of them worked out cause I just couldn't stop thinking about the game. . . 

TIDUS 

Well, if your team is gonna suck that much. . . 

WAKKA 

So I started playing again! But in my first match last year. . . Well, I had other things on my mind. . . 

TIDUS 

(snorts and mutters something about "Loser" as they walk) So you want to actually win something, right? 

WAKKA 

I guess. . . I mean, ten years without a win kinda makes you settle for anything that isn't a ten-nil thrashing, ya? 

TIDUS 

. . . No wonder you lost all the time. You want to win, damnit! WIN! 

(TIDUS grabs WAKKA by the shoulders and starts to SHAKE him) 

TIDUS 

(somewhat insanely) WINWINWINWINWINWINWINWIN!! 

WAKKA 

(eyes bug) O-okay, brudda. We gonna win. 

TIDUS 

(drops WAKKA) Alright then. 

(The two move on, quickly coming across your typical CANNON FODDER NPCs) 

CANNON FODDER NPC #1 

Ah! The one from the sea! 

CANNON FODDER NPC #2 

Good god; they weren't lying. It really is that ugly. 

CANNON FODDER NPC #1 

Maybe we shouldn't tell them that there are fiends on the road today. 

(WAKKA and TIDUS look around. They haven't seen anything vaguely RESEMBLING a fiend) 

CANNON FODDER NPC #2 

How in heck did it survive a run-in with Sin? 

(The two move off, leaving TIDUS to frown slightly) 

TIDUS 

Who the heck? 

WAKKA 

Luzzu and Gatta; Crusader NPCs who're gonna be following us for a while, ya? 

TIDUS 

. . .Oh. 

(He SHRUGS and they continue on. Finally, they reach the village) 

WAKKA 

Besaid village. Nicest place on the entire planet. 

(All the easily aesthetically pleased players IMMEDIATELY want to MOVE there) 

TIDUS 

I hate to make it seem like I have a one track mind, but where's my dinner?! 

WAKKA 

'Ey! I have to cook it first, ya? Look, why don't you go and visit the Crusader lodge? Even though Luzzu and Gatta were walking in the opposite direction to us and we haven't seen them since, I bet they'll be in there. 

GOD OF PLOT DEVICES 

(cackles evilly) 

WAKKA 

It's over yonder. 

TIDUS 

(stares)_ Yonder?!_

WAKKA 

. . . What? Look, do you remember the prayer? 

TIDUS 

(obviously doesn't) I've never prayed before in my life. I'm a heathen (grins proudly) 

WAKKA 

(hits forehead with one hand) You really are dumb, ya? 

(Coming from WAKKA this is an incredible INSULT) 

WAKKA 

Look. (does the STUPID HAND THING that the players will be subjected to COUNTLESS times throughout the course of the game) Now you try. 

(TIDUS does so, earning another hearty slap on the back from WAKKA) 

WAKKA 

Good! I'll catch up with you later. 

(TIDUS is left to his own devices, and after vandalising a few houses, he decides to visit the Crusaders) 

LUZZU 

Ah! It's him again! 

GATTA 

Hm. You were recently attacked by Sin. Is it nearby? Tell me! 

TIDUS 

Er. . . No? 

GATTA 

Thank god. Luzzu and I are the only Crusaders here, and I wouldn't trust either of us to protect ourselves, let alone a village. 

TIDUS 

Oh. (pauses for a good few moments) Who the heck are you guys? 

GATTA 

(sighs) I knew this would happen. 

LUZZU 

What is it, sir? 

GATTA 

Plot point. Explain what we do, Luzzu. 

LUZZU 

(like your typical over-enthusiastic soldier) Yes, sir! The Crusaders are sworn to battle Sin. Despite the fact that there are probably thousands of us dotted around the world, we still haven't managed to do a god-damned thing in eight hundred years, and are still picked on by the warrior monks whenever they're in town. However, no-one can beat us when it comes to being nameless cannon fodder NPCs that the player may vaguely care about and you can bet your life that either Gatta or myself is going to die before long. 

GATTA 

(stares at Luzzu for a moment, before shrugging) Eh, he's right. 

TIDUS 

So basically, you guys just stand around and die whenever Sin appears? 

GATTA 

Indeed. 

TIDUS 

. . . Riiiiight. 

(He quickly runs out of the lodge and heads for the next largest building in the village; the temple. It's dark inside, and somehow TIDUS manages to trip over the FIFTY FOOT TALL statue stood to one side) 

TIDUS 

Oops. . . 

PRIEST 

(sounding a little. . . demented, as all Yevon Priests do) Even though Lord Braska wasn't originally from Besaid, we still demanded a statue! Ten years it took them; ten! I could have become High Summoner in the time it took them to build our statue! 

TIDUS 

High. . . what? 

PRIEST 

(sighs) For anyone who's never played a Final Fantasy game before; Summoners are people who call forth the token big monster thingys, or Aeons as they're named in this game. 

TIDUS 

Lemme guess; the High Summoner is the one with the doped out expression on their face and an inexplicable craving for munchies? 

(He grins stupidly, expecting praise for his joke. The PRIEST HITS him) 

PRIEST 

Shut up and get out of my temple. 

(TIDUS does so, heading back to WAKKA's hut. He does a double take as he walks in; WAKKA is stood over the stove wearing a FLOWERY APRON and humming MERRILY to himself) 

WAKKA 

Ah! You're uh. . . back? (gestures to apron) I only wear this to er. . . keep my Blitzing uniform clean, ya? Er. . . ya? 

TIDUS 

(disturbed) 

WAKKA 

(sighs) Eh, just go to sleep, man. You look bushed. 

TIDUS 

But I. . . 

PHI 

(appears and WHACKS TIDUS across the head with a STEEL PIPE) Do as you're told. 

TIDUS 

Lookit at all da birdiesh! (falls over) 


	3. Spheres, underwear and bigass monsters

**Author note:**Whee. Part three. It took a while cause I've had major life issues recently and haven't had much time for writing. I apologise for keeping you all waiting.

This does kinda tail off at the end, which sucks, but still. ^_^;; 

I don't own them, please don't sue. 

Enjoy, ne? Cookies for reviewers, life-threatening spoons for everyone else.

. 

. 

(We leave TIDUS' point of view for a moment and moves to WAKKA's. Some of the players are relieved) 

GENERIC VETERAN FF FANS  
Well thank god. No more watching weirdass dreams. 

(A PRIEST walks into the hut; spies WAKKA wearing the apron and TIDUS lay flat out on the bed) 

PRIEST   
Oh, by the Aeons. What have we told you about kidnapping innocent passers by and. . . (looks disgusted) "Having your way" with them? 

WAKKA   
(sweatdrops) Nah, nah. It's not like dat dis time. I promise! 

PRIEST   
(takes a big step away) Whatever you say. But you could at least go and see how they're doing. 

WAKKA   
(perplexed) They? 

PRIEST   
You know. 

WAKKA   
(scratches head) You could at least give me a clue, ya? 

PRIEST   
(bops WAKKA on the head) You-Know-Who! 

GENERIC VETERAN FF FANS   
Since when did this turn into a Harry Potter crossover? 

(Half the GENERIC VETERAN FF PLAYERS leave. The REST hang around to see if there's going to be any TIDUS/HARRY slash) 

WAKKA   
(realisation) Oh. (shrugs) Well, we can't interfere, ya? It's a rule and all. 

PRIEST   
(snorts) Since when have you all paid attention to the rules? But it's. . . Been nearly a day already. . . 

(Much to our chagrin, we are dragged back into TIDUS' point of view. And guess what; he's having another weirdass dream) 

REST OF THE GENERIC VETERAN FF FANS   
Ah, damnit. 

(There's something about a WOMAN and a GUY and BRATTY CHILD TIDUS being generally BRATTY. At this point, MOST of the PLAYERS don't CARE, so in order to appease them, the AUTHOR cuts it short) 

PHI   
It's not really that important anyway. Er. . . Is it? (shrugs) 

TIDUS   
(wakes up suddenly) No more foreshadowing, for the love of GOD! (spies WAKKA staring blankly at him) Er. . . hi? 

WAKKA   
. . .Come on. 

(WAKKA leads TIDUS to the TEMPLE) 

TIDUS   
(on the lookout for the PRIEST) Er. . . I might not be too welcome here. . . 

WAKKA   
(not listening) It's been a day already. . . The summoner hasn't returned from the trial yet. . . 

TIDUS   
Aw, man. Not all that crap about summoners and Ay-ons and Crews-aydahs again. 

(The two look up as they hear a snicker from the AUTHOR who thinks it's funny to make TIDUS mispronounce everything) 

WAKKA   
(thinks TIDUS cares) Beyond that room – 

TIDUS   
What, over _yonder_? (sniggers) 

WAKKA   
-- is the Cloister of Trials. If an apprentice summoner can get through and pray to the Fayth at the end, then maybe she'll become a fully fledged summoner, ya? 

TIDUS   
(ears prick up) She? (thinks) Well, now Rikku's out of the picture, maybe it's time for me to move on. . . (out loud) Is it dangerous in there? 

WAKKA   
Er. . . Sometimes? 

(Anyone who's played this game before will have been through all the Cloister of Trials and will know that they're NOWHERE near dangerous. Well, not unless you have a severe ALLERGY towards SPHERES) 

TIDUS   
Well, I'm going to be characteristically spontaneous now and get us both into trouble. 

WAKKA   
T-trouble? It's forbidden, damnit! 

PRIEST   
(notices TIDUS dragging WAKKA towards the entrance to the TRIALS) Hey! What about the precepts? 

TIDUS   
(points at something over the PRIEST's shoulder) Look! A monkey! 

PRIEST   
A what? (looks) 

TIDUS   
(cackles) Sucker! (disappears into the TRIALS with WAKKA) 

(We now get to sit through the LEAST interesting side quest since someone decided that collecting pieces of a vase was a good idea. And the good news? We have at least FIVE more of these to sit through) 

TIDUS   
This is even boring me, and I'm easily amus – Look! A squirrel! 

(TIDUS runs towards the squirrel only he can see, leaving WAKKA to raise an eyebrow) 

WAKKA   
Lu's gonna kill me. . . Or him. Actually, she'll probably kill us both. . . (shrug) Oh well. Might as well get it over with, ya? 

(They finally reach a lift that will take them down to the prayer room) 

TIDUS   
Man; I hope this is the only time we have to do this. 

WAKKA   
(sweatdrops again) Well, uh, actually. . . Summoners go on a pilgrimage to find lots of Aeons from all the temples across Spira. Guardians protect them. Naturally, due to the linear nature of the plot, you're going to become a Guardian and so you'll have to do this a bunch of times. 

TIDUS   
What about you? 

WAKKA   
I'm a Guardian too. 

GOD OF PLOT DEVICES   
I wonder if that was too predictable. . . (shrug) Nah. 

(They reach the prayer room, where two other GUARDIANS are waiting. TIDUS emerges from the lift and GAPES at one of them) 

TIDUS   
(nosebleed) Y-you can s-see her u-u-underwear! (faints) 

WAKKA   
. . . . (waves slightly nervously) Hi, Lulu. 

LULU   
(eyeing the twitching, nosebleeding lump of TIDUS on the floor) What have you done this time, Wakka? 

WAKKA   
He jus'. . . appeared, ya? 

LULU   
(dryly) Of course. 

KIMAHRI   
Kimahri no like smell of stranger. Kimahri eat. 

(There is a sudden FLASH) 

HIGH PRICED LAWYER   
Oh no you don't. 

KIMAHRI   
But Kimahri hungry. 

HIGH PRICED LAWYER   
(hands over a basket of cookies) Here. Just leave blonde boy alone. 

(KIMAHRI pouts, but no-one can tell because his expression NEVER changes) 

LULU   
Who even is he? 

(TIDUS pulls himself to his feet just in time to see the door of the prayer room open. He's soon back on the floor in a fanboy faint as a pretty girl comes out) 

TIDUS   
I'm in h-heaven! (faints) 

(The summoner looks up to see where the thud has come from, but trips over the hem of her skirt and starts to fall down the stairs) 

KIMAHRI   
(not paying attention) Cookies tasty. Not as tasty as stranger, but Kimahri like. 

(Crash. The summoner hits the floor) 

LULU   
Yuna! 

YUNA   
(dazed for a second, but giggles stupidly) I did it! I've become a summoner, just like Daddy! 

(EVERYONE hits their foreheads with one hand) 

LULU   
This is going to be one insanely long pilgrimage. . . 

(After picking both TIDUS – who continues to get weak in the knees whenever he sees a female – and YUNA – who can't stop giggling – off the floor, the party leaves the TRIALS and head into the square outside the temple) 

TIDUS   
(V. O., staring at YUNA) You can see her underwear too! (giggles) 

WAKKA   
Stop that. (grabs TIDUS and holds him in a bear hug) 

TIDUS   
(whiny) But I want the pretty girl! This isn't a slash fic! 

WAKKA   
Aw, damn. . . But, take a look at this! 

TIDUS   
(worried) I don't want to see what's under your apron. 

LULU   
(glares) Shut up and watch. 

(YUNA – who has finally stopped giggling like an idiot – begins to dance. Unfortunately, most of the VILLAGERS are in fairly close proximity and most of them get a staff swipe to the face. Thankfully, most intentions to sue are halted when there is a crack from somewhere above them) 

VILLAGER #1   
The sky's falling! It's the end of the world! 

VILLAGER #2   
(dryly) Jeez. If anyone even sneezes around you, you think it's the end of the world. 

VILLAGER #1   
But. . . the germs! 

(Everyone looks up and watches as VALEFOR appears, swooping down and landing next to YUNA. Well, I say landing. CRASHING is perhaps a more apt term) 

VALEFOR   
Waaaagh! Where are the brakes! 

(Any VILLAGERS that managed to avoid YUNA's staff promptly get taken out by VALEFOR as he slides into them) 

YUNA   
Oops. (giggle) 

VALEFOR   
Er. . . Sue me and I'll eat you. (sweatdrops) 

TIDUS   
(V.O.) I had never seen anything like it in my life. I've never seen anything quite so terrifying. Well, except that time Auron got really drunk and decided that my mom's wardrobe was a great -- 

AURON   
(V.O.; dangerous) Continue that sentence and I assure you won't reach the end of it. . . 

TIDUS   
(V.O.) Er. . . (gulps) 

(The sound of sirens wails in the background) 

VALEFOR   
(eyes bug) The Feds are onto me! And just when I agreed to hold some special stuff for Bahamut. . . (panicky) Aw, man. . . I'd better fly. 

(VALEFOR turns and takes off. The group of VILLAGERS that just managed to pull themselves to their feet are FLOORED again by the gust of wind) 

YUNA   
(giggly, looking at the fallen villagers) Did I do that? Oopsie. 

TIDUS   
(V. O.) I remember, that night we talked for the first time. I didn't know it then, but after that night everything changed. . . 

(For some bizarre reason, the camera cuts to show TIDUS staring dreamily after LULU while YUNA stands in the opposite direction) 

PHI   
(appears) Er. . . That's not supposed to happen. . . 

TIDUS   
(stupidly) Mmm. . . Skirt that defies all common sense. . . 

LULU   
(glares) Don't even think about it, blonde boy. 

GOD OF PLOT DEVICES   
Hm. (hangs a sign around YUNA's neck that reads; "LOVE INTEREST") That should do it. 

TIDUS   
(still staring at LULU) Mmm. . . you can see her underwear. . . 

GOD OF PLOT DEVICES   
. . . .Alright then. (scribbles something extra on the sign) 

TIDUS   
(eyes sign and reads out loud) "Love interest. Pay attention to me and I'll make sure you get hot, hot Blitzball action"? Whoo! 

GOD OF PLOT DEVICES   
(smug) 

PHI   
Psh. We'll see how long that lasts. 

(The rest of the AUROCHS walk on, led by WAKKA. The captain must have thought there was some kind of FANCY DRESS party going on, as he's wearing his most GARISH blitzball uniform. The rest of the team are having to SHIELD their EYES as they follow him) 

WAKKA   
Here he is! The guy that _begged_ me to get into the tournament. I mean, he _begged_ so much that I just had to give in eventually. . . 

TIDUS   
Stop using the word "begged" like that. . . 

WAKKA   
What? You did! 

TIDUS   
Actually, you begged me, but that's not the issue here. Hi, guys. 

(The AUROCHS wave yet do not speak) 

TIDUS   
(frowns) Aw, c'mon. You guys are vaguely important; you even turn into semi-playable characters later on. And you don't have voices? 

LETTY   
(shakes head sadly) 

TIDUS   
(clenches fist) This is an injustice! (turns to sky and shakes fist at what he hopes is the author) GIVE THEM VOICES, OR I QUIT, DAMNIT! 

PHI   
. . . .Is that a promise? 

TIDUS   
(glares) 

PHI   
You don't frighten me; there are plenty of generic Final Fantasy lead characters that are willing to take your place. . . 

(The AUTHOR gestures to a long line of "extras" that are hanging around) 

YUFFIE   
I need a new agent. . . 

LOCKE   
(praying) Please give me the job, pleasepleaseplease! Celes will kill me if I don't start bringing some legal cash home. . . 

CLOUD   
. . . . 

SQUALL   
. . . . 

ZIDANE   
Make them say something. Please make them say something. I can't stand another hour of watching them try to out ". . . ." each other. 

(ZIDANE goes MAD. FFIX fans are not happy. The AUTHOR is) 

PHI   
One down, one less to go. (cackles) 

TIDUS   
(takes a big step away and collides with something behind him) Woah! 

(Thud) 

YUNA   
(from floor) Oh (giggles) It's alright. I er. . . do this a lot. 

(She BLUSHES. TIDUS STARES at her like a lovestruck IDIOT) 

TIDUS   
. . . .Purty. . . 

YUNA   
(giggles some more) Hi there. I'm Yuna. Thanks you so much for your help earlier. 

(The VILLAGERS stood around YUNA exchange glances but fail to mention that TIDUS didn't actually do anything earlier) 

TIDUS   
Aw; n-no problem! (thinking)_ Aw, man! This world is totally sweet. Two totally hot chicks who show their underwear in the same place!_

PART OF TIDUS' BRAIN THAT REMEMBERS STUFF   
_What about Rikku?_

TIDUS   
_(thinking) Who?_

PART OF TIDUS' BRAIN THAT REMEMBERS STUFF   
(sighs)_ Never mind. . ._

YUNA   
Tomorrow then? 

TIDUS   
(confused) Shh-wha? 

YUNA   
We're going on the same boat. 

TIDUS   
(thinks for a moment)_ Every time I get on a boat, something bad happens. . . (looks up at YUNA and then over towards LULU) . . .But how can anything go wrong this time?_ (nods) Yeah, we are. 

YUNA   
We can talk more -- 

LULU   
(snidely, passing by) As if a conversation between you two could get more intelligent than one of you giggling and the other one. . . well, giggling. 

YUNA   
-- then. You can tell me all about Zanarkand! 

(YUNA walks off, leaving TIDUS to IGNORE that she's the ONLY person so far to mention the word ZANARKAND and not look at him as if he's gone completely INSANE. He strolls over to WAKKA, looking most pleased with himself) 

TIDUS   
(singing to himself)_ There are only two ladies for whom I care, and the bestest thing is they show their underweee-ear. . ._

WAKKA   
(glaring) So uh. . .she's cute, ya? 

TIDUS   
(not caring who WAKKA is talking about anymore) Ya. 

WAKKA   
(glares some more) Don't get no ideas. She's a summoner; she don't wanna be with the likes of you. 

TIDUS   
(suspiciously) . . .Are you jealous? 

WAKKA   
(worryingly) Er. . . 

TIDUS   
(eyes widen and he edges away from WAKKA) I er. . . am gonna go to bed now. 

WAKKA   
I'll -- 

TIDUS   
(cuts in hurriedly) Don't follow me. 

(TIDUS exits quickly, leaving WAKKA to scowl) 

WAKKA   
. . .Dang. . . 

(We move to TIDUS' point of view, watching him SCRATCH his BUTT before getting into bed) 

TIDUS   
(sleepily) Mmm. . . Purty girls. . . (eyes close) 

(He falls asleep. By now, EVERYONE playing knows what THIS MEANS) 

GENERIC VETERAN FF FANS   
(tape the X button down) Time for a toilet break. 

(TIDUS finds himself on a PIER with YUNA, overlooking a beautiful ocean) 

TIDUS   
(giggles) Underwear! 

YUNA   
(slightly naughtily) Everyone will find us if we don't hurry. 

(TIDUS' eyebrow arches) 

TIDUS   
Ooh! 

(He makes a LEAP for YUNA, only to have someone grab him by his BRACES) 

TIDUS   
Oof! 

RIKKU   
You said you were gonna take me to Zanarkand, you Blitzball-playing jerk! 

TIDUS   
Wuh-oh. . . (scratches his head as ALL FF males do when they're in TROUBLE) 

(There is a sudden SCREECH from off-screen) 

WAKKA   
Wait for meeeee, ya? 

(The other BLITZER appears, rugby-tackling TIDUS to the floor) 

WAKKA   
You're taking me to Zanarkand too, right? 

TIDUS   
(struggling to breathe) N. . . N. . . 

JECHT   
(appears from nowhere and raises an eyebrow at the struggling TIDUS, still caught underneath a squealing WAKKA) I always knew you were. . . weird, boy. That's why you never had a girlfriend! Har. 

TIDUS   
Argh. (pushes WAKKA off him and screams) I HATE YOU!! 

JECHT   
What's that? Can't hear you. 

(We find this ODD because people the OTHER SIDE of Spira could have probably heard TIDUS shout) 

TIDUS   
I hate you, damnit! 

(TIDUS wakes suddenly, leaping for the nearest inanimate object – WAKKA's favourite teddy bear, FLUFFY – and starts to STRANGLE it) 

TIDUS   
(frenzied) IhatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehateHATE you! 

KEFKA   
(appearing from nowhere and glaring) Gah! Line stealer! (mutters and stalks off to BURN stuff) 

LULU   
He's dead, Wakka. Get over it. 

(we move to the door of the hut, and watch as LULU and WAKKA er. . . talk. Though by the look of things, LULU is snarling and WAKKA is meekly trying not to get hurt) 

LULU   
Sure, the new boy does look a lot like Chappu. . . Well, except for the hair and the general expression of stupidity. But that's no excuse. You should have dumped him in the ocean and let some other poor sap deal with him. 

WAKKA   
B-but. . . 

LULU   
No buts. That's enough, Wakka. 

(She stalks off. GENERIC VETERAN FF FANS are impressed) 

GENERIC VETERAN FF FANS   
Woah. She _is_ a dominatrix. 

(The GENERIC VETERAN FF FAN FIC WRITERS run off to stereotype LULU) 

TIDUS   
(blinks as WAKKA approaches) Is she like that all the time, or is it just that time of the month? And who's Chappu? 

WAKKA   
(wisely avoiding the first question in case LULU is still in earshot) Chappu was my little brother. He kinda looks like you. 

(Those who have played before will know that CHAPPU doesn't really look anything like TIDUS) 

GOD OF PLOT DEVICES   
I'm not going to let a silly thing like real facts get in my way. 

WAKKA   
He joined the Crusaders and died fighting Sin last year. I heard on the first day of the tourney. 

TIDUS   
Oh. That explains why you lost last year. 

WAKKA   
Not really. Our team just plain sucks. Well, when I heard, I quit the game and became a Guardian. 

TIDUS   
Revenge? You want to try and stop a zillion tonne monster that refuses to die? 

WAKKA   
Ya. That was the idea. But now I'm more worried about a stupid game and trying to convince you that girls are fo – (he STOPS himself just in time and BLUSHES) Well, anyway. I know it kinda looks like I'm using you, but I'm not. 

TIDUS   
(has edged away slightly) You? Use me? In your dreams, man. (laughs nervously) 

WAKKA   
(sadly) I know. . . 

TIDUS   
(eyes widen) 

(We CUT to the following morning. TIDUS – who has been sleeping huddled up in a frightened ball in WAKKA's hut – wakes up and wanders AIMLESSLY into the main clearing of the village) 

WAKKA   
(appearing from nowhere and frightening the CRAP out of TIDUS) Hey! Sleepyhead! C'mere, I want to give you something. 

(TIDUS looks suitably TERRIFIED) 

WAKKA   
(reaches into his TROUSERS) 

TIDUS   
(whimpers) 

WAKKA   
(produces a SWORD from apparently nowhere) Here. I want you to have this, ya? 

TIDUS   
(gingerly opens one eye) Ooh! A sword? 

LULU   
(sarcastic) Full marks for deduction, you blonde idiot. Besides, that was Chappu's sword. 

WAKKA   
Well, he is kinda dead and can't really use it y'know, Lu. 

LULU   
(glare) 

WAKKA   
(hasn't noticed the DEATH STARE LULU is giving) I mean, it'd be kinda silly for a dead guy to have a sword, what with him being dead and a -- 

(He gets no further as he BURSTS into FLAMES) 

LULU   
(cackles evilly) Now, where's Yuna got to? 

TIDUS   
Why are we waiting for her here? 

LULU   
Something to do with her being like a little sister to us, even though we're blatantly putting her in danger by allowing her to go through with this Pilgrimage. 

TIDUS   
What? 

LULU   
(shifty eyes) Er. . . nothing. 

(There is a THUD off-screen, announcing the arrival of YUNA) 

YUNA   
(pulling bits of TWIG out of her hair) Oopsie. 

LULU   
(eyeing the heavy suitcase YUNA is lugging around with her) You really don't need that. 

YUNA   
This? This is just my carry-around stuff. The real luggage is back there. 

(TIDUS glances around YUNA's form and SWEATDROPS as he sees the MILLION large and ungainly suitcases stacked up around the Temple. Two PRIESTS have FAINTED from the exertion of getting the luggage this far, and two more have COLLAPSED onto the ground, PANTING and THANKING Yevon for their punishment) 

TIDUS   
Holy crap. 

LULU   
(dangerously) You don't need any of that, Yuna. 

YUNA   
(ditzily) But, how will I make myself look so pretty? 

LULU   
You. Don't. Need. Any. Of. It. 

YUNA   
(catches on) Oh. (giggles stupidly) Maybe you're right. 

(YUNA motions to one of the PRIESTS who DRAGS himself towards her) 

PRIEST   
Yes m'lady Summoner? 

YUNA   
Can you take all this stuff back inside? (giggles cutely) It's too heavy for a girl like me. 

(She turns away just in time to avoid the PRIEST taking a SWING at her) 

YUNA   
Let's go! 

(The PARTY walks for a few minutes, YUNA walking in front with LULU and WAKKA slightly behind her. TIDUS follows them all, taking turns to look at each girl and GIGGLE like an IDIOT) 

TIDUS   
Underwear! 

(They reach the top of the CLIFF overlooking the village. EVERYONE except TIDUS stops, causing the Blitzer to walk into WAKKA's back) 

TIDUS   
(leaping away before WAKKA can say anything) Why've we stopped? 

WAKKA   
We have to pray, ya? 

TIDUS   
Pr, what? 

WAKKA   
(sadly) Chappu didn't pray. Thought he would miss his boat. 

TIDUS   
. . .Are you going to say anything today that doesn't revolve around your dead brother? 

WAKKA   
(opens mouth, a slightly cheeky look in his eye) 

TIDUS   
. . .Or hitting on me? 

WAKKA   
(shakes head sadly) 

YUNA   
(looks like she's praying but is actually just STARING into SPACE) 

LULU   
Are we ready? 

YUNA   
(blinks herself back to reality and giggles some more) Oh, sure. 

(They continue on, in the same formation as before. Suddenly. . .) 

KIMAHRI   
Tasty stranger! 

(TIDUS is rugby tackled to the floor by a bundle of blue fur) 

LULU   
Kimahri. . . What did we tell you about attacking visitors? 

WAKKA   
Ya, do you really want us to neuter you? 

(KIMAHRI's eyes widen and he leaps off TIDUS, protecting his er. . . Ronsohood as he runs off) 

KIMAHRI   
Bad man never take Kimahri's wee-wee! 

TIDUS   
(lying on the floor, SHAKING with fear) 

PHI   
(appears) Oh yeah. I forgot he was habitually terrified of dogs and cats and other animals. Hah! (points, laughs and disappears) 

LULU   
(glares) Wakka? 

WAKKA   
Ya? 

LULU   
Carry him. 

WAKKA   
(gleefully) Whoo-hoo! 

(Finally, the PARTY reaches the PORT. There are lots of CUTE little kids whose EXPRESSIONS do not change, even though they're supposed to be CRYING. YUNA waves to them all, lapping up their ADORATION) 

VILLAGER #1   
(quietly to VILLAGER #2) By Yevon, I'm glad she's going. 

VILLAGER #2   
Me too. Ugh. The amount of times we've had to rebuild statues because she's knocked them over is unreal. 

VILLAGER #1   
All she does is eat and giggle. 

YUNA   
I love you all! 

LULU   
Get on the boat already. 

(Within moments, the boat sets sail, YUNA still WAVING even when you can't see the villagers anymore) 

WAKKA   
(eyeing the summoner) Er. . . Should we stop her? 

LULU   
. . .No. . . 


End file.
